5 ways to help a grieving friend or family member

I copied this from the THE GARDEN A CENTER FOR GRIEVING CHIKLDREN & TEENS web site today. The kids & I have participated in this support group since January & it has been extremely helpful.
Five things to help a grieving friend

1. Acknowledge What Has Happened
Say something ("I am so sorry about your loss"), write something (a card or a note means a great deal), do something (a kind gesture or helpful deed is always welcome). (And I would add: please be sure that if you have offered to do something for the person or be with them in some capacity that you really follow through. This is not a time to say things that you can't follow through on. perhaps promise less? do more?)

2. Listen, Listen, Listen
Make time to be with the friend and listen to their thoughts and feelings. Don't ever assume that you know what they are going through. Just let them know that you are there for them to listen and care.

3. Accept the Other as He or She Is
Don't try to offer advice on how the person should act or feel. If the person seems different, remember that THEY ARE. Something big has happened to them.

4. Offer to Help, and Make Your Offers Specific
Don't just say, "I am here for you." Tell the person HOW you are here for them. Examples are: "I will get the homework assignments for you," or "I will check in on how you are doing everyday this week, ok?" or "I want to sit with you at lunch for awhile until you are feeling better."

5. Relate to the Other as a Whole Person
No one wants to be seen as a victim all the time. Remember that the person is more than what they have lost. To forget who the person is will not help their recovery. To forget that they have had a sad thing happen, will make them feel invisible. So try to keep both things in mind.

GRIEF IS A CONTINUAL PROCESS. WHAT MIGHT ASSIST YOU?

TALKING
GETTING INVOLVED IN SCHOOL AND OTHER ACTIVITIES
HAVING TIME ALONE CRYING
WRITING DOWN YOUR THOUGHTS
BEING WITH FRIENDS
EATING HUGGING SCREAMING PRAYING
HELPING OTHERS GETTING COUNSELING
JOINING A SUPPORT GROUP
EXERCISING
LISTENING TO MUSIC
DRAWING OR PAINTING
E-MAILING




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I memorized his face....

Written by Mimi Caban
February 13, 2008
(please do not copy or distribute without the author’s written permission)

I memorized his face the day he died
when he was still warm & soft & Bob
I took my time
I lingered there
alone
in the ER
alone with him
soft & warm & still
I closed my eyes & memorized his face with my hands
with my fingers
the roundness of his cheeks
the softness of his skin
the depressions under his beautiful brown eyes
from lack of sleep
so much excitement & work
leading up to that day
that day
I lingered there
alone
they let me have time
if I had more time
I would memorize every facet of the man
I called lover friend warrior opponent friend mine us ours always
it was supposed to be always
not now
not like this
I think I kissed him that day
I hope I did
before he was soft & warm & still
before he was gone
I remember his arm around me in that store
the store I can’t even look at anymore
how can a store have that power over me
over us
a parking lot
asphalt
I hate them all for they mark the place
the day
the moment
he fell
became still
became soft & warm & gone
I memorized his face with my lips
with kisses
I wanted to ingest every part of him
they gave me time
I was allowed all the time I needed which could never be enough
I needed more time
to fight with him
to make love
to raise our kids
it wasn’t enough
we were just getting started
it is never enough
how could it be
I memorized his face the day he died
I loved that face
I found a scalpel in the room
I cut his hair
I put it in my pocket in a glove
I was desperate to take him home with me
in my pocket
his hair
did you ever touch his hair
hair that was straightened
with great effort & vanity
in his youth
hair that looked wiry
but was soft as a kitten
he was soft as a kitten
he was not an unfeeling man
not a fierce man
a kitten
soft
too tender & kind for the viciousness of this world
of musicians & teachers & parents who betrayed him
of those who didn’t get it
didn’t get him
didn’t have the courage to love & forgive & walk higher
as he did
I saw it
so often
the higher road in this man who lived a lower still life
I will not idolize the man
I love him and know his frame
I know that he was frail & clay & broken
he was also strong & brave & wonderful
a laugh waiting to happen
arms to hold me through any dark day
the fastest hands I’ve ever seen
I memorized his hands on the day he died
the left slightly wrinkled & discolored from electrocution so long ago
I wish he had told more people about that miracle of the hand of God
thirty feet up
saving his life
at age 13
by why not 50
where was His hand at age 50?
I memorized my man the day he died
the man I had looked at so many times
in love
in anger
incredulous
in wonder
in awe
in hope for great things
for our destinies
I placed my face on his face
my lips on his cheek
by body on his body
that day
they gave me time
all the time in the world
not enough time
I tried
to take
him home
I called to his spirit
to reenter his body
his heart began to beat
we were electrified into action
I called
he heard me
I know he did
like life
bob? Bob? BOBBY? Can you hear me?
What are you DOing?
Would you PLEASE come here?!
I need your help
What were you doing?
What took you so long?
WHAT are you doing? Can’t you HEAR me?!
So frustrated
so many times
I was
wanting him to come
to HEAR me
I believed that day
the day he died
I was like a child who just KNEW santa claus was coming
that their dad was invincible
that teachers lived inside the schoolbuildings & never went home
I knew all these things
based on stories
and meeting dead men raised up
and my own insides churning
I didn’t have to try to believe
I just did
and he didn’t come
and yet I believed
I memorized my life the day he died
I memorized my future the day he died
like multiplications tables
and spelling bee words
and lines in a script for a dry run through
I memorized facts & figures to guard my heart
I memorized
I memorized
I lingered
I hoped
I longed
I cried
I died the day he died

Michael needs....

prayer. He is in deep places of grief & missing Bobby these days. I won't go into detail here because it is his journey & I want to respect his privacy. But please cover him with Abba's love. We begin "The Garden" sessions later today. I pray that God meets us all there.

The Garden Center for grieving children...

The kids & I have joined a support group, which will begin this sunday, called "The Garden." It is a non-profit 501(c)3 organization that focuses on the grieving process for children & teens. We'll be going every other sunday until the end of May. The center uses creative ways to help kids (and their parents) journey through their grieving process. We had our intake interview this morning with the facilitator, Shelly Bathe Lenn. I felt hopeful about the experience. It is helpful to sit with those who are experiencing the same kind of loss. Words aren't adequate & aren't always necessary. The groups are closed in order to foster relationships, a safe place to be & confidentiality & the program runs for 15 sessions sept - may. We "just happened" to connect with them at the time they are letting new families join :) a HUGE THANK YOU to Todd Crossett (Isenberg School of Business Management at UMASS & Key Players project leader) for telling me about this group last week.

The participating families pay what they can, IF they can & no one is turned away because of inability to pay. If you would like to make a donation on behalf of our family, contact Shelly Bathe Lenn at 413 584 7086 ext 124 The operating cost for the program is about $150 per child. Both Michael & Hadassah will participate in groups with their peers. With a grateful heart, Mimi

How Bobby & I met.....

I'm sitting here tonight, wearing a pair of Bobby's jeans that are not as baggy on me as I would hope...feeling a myriad of feelings. Our 12th wedding anniversary would have been this sunday. I have felt the intensity of this time even before being conciously aware of the date, the time, the season.

I first want to say that my wedding was the BEST wedding I've ever attended. I hope all brides can say that :) I had more fun & felt more love, joy & presence of God than at any other gathering of that kind in my life (though the day we celebrated Bobby's life last summer was, amazingly, a close second.) The food seemed supernatural, we danced, we partied, we sang to one another & jammed with our family & best friends...in a blizzard in a country club in Greenville, PA. The maitre'd was healed of some physical ailment during the ceremony (which was also in the country club) & came to us with tears during dinner to tell us so.

Tonight I'm thinking of the way we met: It was 1989 & we both worked for Prime Computer in Natick, MA. I worked in HR; Bobby was in CAD/CAM. We were in completely different buildings. I was very new in my relationship with Yeshua & I was friends with a great bass player named Tom Doran who also worked at Prime. I shared my experiences with God with Tom pretty freely to say the least! One day Tom said to me: Mimi, you've GOT to meet this guy over in Building 10. He's a musician and a "Jesus-Freak" just like you!

So Bobby called my extension (or I called his I can't remember...) & we met for lunch at a little restaurant called "The Villa." Bobby was married at the time so there was nothing romantic in our meeting BUT GOD had Bobby "read my mail" that day. (Many people I know had similar experiences with him). The things he said to me that day opened up a part of my heart that had been very damaged by my own bad choices & what others had done to me. Because of my past,I believed, TRULY, that I did not deserve to have a husband & children. But the day I met Bobby, who knew nothing about me, he spoke into that part of my life & God took over doing the rest.

We became friends & stayed in touch until he & his ex-wife moved to Texas. I didn't have contact with him again until May of 1994 after he had been through a divorce he did not want. BUT GOD had other plans for him...for me...which neither of us could have guessed.

He returned to CT & while there he tracked me down through one of my best friends. I was in Ohio. We talked over the phone for 6 MONTHS! and during that time, God built our friendship into a romance which led to Bobby coming to Ohio..December 1994 & asking me to marry him.

No marriage is perfect; ours certainly wasn't. But we worked hard at it & loved each other intensely, fought passionately & felt deeply about the things that mattered most to both of us: God, our children & extended family, friends, music, living with integrity, kindness & generosity. Bobby was one of the gentlest most generous men I've ever known. Sometimes I think this world was not a kind enough place to be able to keep him here...I hope this blesses someone today....with tears & great love, Mimi