I memorized his face....

Written by Mimi Caban
February 13, 2008
(please do not copy or distribute without the author’s written permission)

I memorized his face the day he died
when he was still warm & soft & Bob
I took my time
I lingered there
alone
in the ER
alone with him
soft & warm & still
I closed my eyes & memorized his face with my hands
with my fingers
the roundness of his cheeks
the softness of his skin
the depressions under his beautiful brown eyes
from lack of sleep
so much excitement & work
leading up to that day
that day
I lingered there
alone
they let me have time
if I had more time
I would memorize every facet of the man
I called lover friend warrior opponent friend mine us ours always
it was supposed to be always
not now
not like this
I think I kissed him that day
I hope I did
before he was soft & warm & still
before he was gone
I remember his arm around me in that store
the store I can’t even look at anymore
how can a store have that power over me
over us
a parking lot
asphalt
I hate them all for they mark the place
the day
the moment
he fell
became still
became soft & warm & gone
I memorized his face with my lips
with kisses
I wanted to ingest every part of him
they gave me time
I was allowed all the time I needed which could never be enough
I needed more time
to fight with him
to make love
to raise our kids
it wasn’t enough
we were just getting started
it is never enough
how could it be
I memorized his face the day he died
I loved that face
I found a scalpel in the room
I cut his hair
I put it in my pocket in a glove
I was desperate to take him home with me
in my pocket
his hair
did you ever touch his hair
hair that was straightened
with great effort & vanity
in his youth
hair that looked wiry
but was soft as a kitten
he was soft as a kitten
he was not an unfeeling man
not a fierce man
a kitten
soft
too tender & kind for the viciousness of this world
of musicians & teachers & parents who betrayed him
of those who didn’t get it
didn’t get him
didn’t have the courage to love & forgive & walk higher
as he did
I saw it
so often
the higher road in this man who lived a lower still life
I will not idolize the man
I love him and know his frame
I know that he was frail & clay & broken
he was also strong & brave & wonderful
a laugh waiting to happen
arms to hold me through any dark day
the fastest hands I’ve ever seen
I memorized his hands on the day he died
the left slightly wrinkled & discolored from electrocution so long ago
I wish he had told more people about that miracle of the hand of God
thirty feet up
saving his life
at age 13
by why not 50
where was His hand at age 50?
I memorized my man the day he died
the man I had looked at so many times
in love
in anger
incredulous
in wonder
in awe
in hope for great things
for our destinies
I placed my face on his face
my lips on his cheek
by body on his body
that day
they gave me time
all the time in the world
not enough time
I tried
to take
him home
I called to his spirit
to reenter his body
his heart began to beat
we were electrified into action
I called
he heard me
I know he did
like life
bob? Bob? BOBBY? Can you hear me?
What are you DOing?
Would you PLEASE come here?!
I need your help
What were you doing?
What took you so long?
WHAT are you doing? Can’t you HEAR me?!
So frustrated
so many times
I was
wanting him to come
to HEAR me
I believed that day
the day he died
I was like a child who just KNEW santa claus was coming
that their dad was invincible
that teachers lived inside the schoolbuildings & never went home
I knew all these things
based on stories
and meeting dead men raised up
and my own insides churning
I didn’t have to try to believe
I just did
and he didn’t come
and yet I believed
I memorized my life the day he died
I memorized my future the day he died
like multiplications tables
and spelling bee words
and lines in a script for a dry run through
I memorized facts & figures to guard my heart
I memorized
I memorized
I lingered
I hoped
I longed
I cried
I died the day he died