New prose about Bobby by Sandy (Pasqualone) Cooper

the tattered and torn
the ones God adorns
with his mercy
if all could see into the broken like he
this world would be filled with all his lovelies
few understand,the angels we toil with
they teach us the lessons our spirits need
but oh how cold this world is to our imperfect lovelies
they tear them to shreds with the judgements and careless ways
oh teach us dear God to walk and sit with your imperfect lovelies
so we too can be all we were meant to be
no not that we are better or finer gold then anyone else
just let us truly love and sit and lay with the imperfect just like me.
give us your heart and eyes to see,and listen to the wisdom they have to teach.
let us love each others' imperfections before it is too late,and they go with you and leave us to fate.

by Sandy Cooper

I memorized his face....

Written by Mimi Caban
February 13, 2008
(please do not copy or distribute without the author’s written permission)

I memorized his face the day he died
when he was still warm & soft & Bob
I took my time
I lingered there
alone
in the ER
alone with him
soft & warm & still
I closed my eyes & memorized his face with my hands
with my fingers
the roundness of his cheeks
the softness of his skin
the depressions under his beautiful brown eyes
from lack of sleep
so much excitement & work
leading up to that day
that day
I lingered there
alone
they let me have time
if I had more time
I would memorize every facet of the man
I called lover friend warrior opponent friend mine us ours always
it was supposed to be always
not now
not like this
I think I kissed him that day
I hope I did
before he was soft & warm & still
before he was gone
I remember his arm around me in that store
the store I can’t even look at anymore
how can a store have that power over me
over us
a parking lot
asphalt
I hate them all for they mark the place
the day
the moment
he fell
became still
became soft & warm & gone
I memorized his face with my lips
with kisses
I wanted to ingest every part of him
they gave me time
I was allowed all the time I needed which could never be enough
I needed more time
to fight with him
to make love
to raise our kids
it wasn’t enough
we were just getting started
it is never enough
how could it be
I memorized his face the day he died
I loved that face
I found a scalpel in the room
I cut his hair
I put it in my pocket in a glove
I was desperate to take him home with me
in my pocket
his hair
did you ever touch his hair
hair that was straightened
with great effort & vanity
in his youth
hair that looked wiry
but was soft as a kitten
he was soft as a kitten
he was not an unfeeling man
not a fierce man
a kitten
soft
too tender & kind for the viciousness of this world
of musicians & teachers & parents who betrayed him
of those who didn’t get it
didn’t get him
didn’t have the courage to love & forgive & walk higher
as he did
I saw it
so often
the higher road in this man who lived a lower still life
I will not idolize the man
I love him and know his frame
I know that he was frail & clay & broken
he was also strong & brave & wonderful
a laugh waiting to happen
arms to hold me through any dark day
the fastest hands I’ve ever seen
I memorized his hands on the day he died
the left slightly wrinkled & discolored from electrocution so long ago
I wish he had told more people about that miracle of the hand of God
thirty feet up
saving his life
at age 13
by why not 50
where was His hand at age 50?
I memorized my man the day he died
the man I had looked at so many times
in love
in anger
incredulous
in wonder
in awe
in hope for great things
for our destinies
I placed my face on his face
my lips on his cheek
by body on his body
that day
they gave me time
all the time in the world
not enough time
I tried
to take
him home
I called to his spirit
to reenter his body
his heart began to beat
we were electrified into action
I called
he heard me
I know he did
like life
bob? Bob? BOBBY? Can you hear me?
What are you DOing?
Would you PLEASE come here?!
I need your help
What were you doing?
What took you so long?
WHAT are you doing? Can’t you HEAR me?!
So frustrated
so many times
I was
wanting him to come
to HEAR me
I believed that day
the day he died
I was like a child who just KNEW santa claus was coming
that their dad was invincible
that teachers lived inside the schoolbuildings & never went home
I knew all these things
based on stories
and meeting dead men raised up
and my own insides churning
I didn’t have to try to believe
I just did
and he didn’t come
and yet I believed
I memorized my life the day he died
I memorized my future the day he died
like multiplications tables
and spelling bee words
and lines in a script for a dry run through
I memorized facts & figures to guard my heart
I memorized
I memorized
I lingered
I hoped
I longed
I cried
I died the day he died

How Bobby & I met.....

I'm sitting here tonight, wearing a pair of Bobby's jeans that are not as baggy on me as I would hope...feeling a myriad of feelings. Our 12th wedding anniversary would have been this sunday. I have felt the intensity of this time even before being conciously aware of the date, the time, the season.

I first want to say that my wedding was the BEST wedding I've ever attended. I hope all brides can say that :) I had more fun & felt more love, joy & presence of God than at any other gathering of that kind in my life (though the day we celebrated Bobby's life last summer was, amazingly, a close second.) The food seemed supernatural, we danced, we partied, we sang to one another & jammed with our family & best friends...in a blizzard in a country club in Greenville, PA. The maitre'd was healed of some physical ailment during the ceremony (which was also in the country club) & came to us with tears during dinner to tell us so.

Tonight I'm thinking of the way we met: It was 1989 & we both worked for Prime Computer in Natick, MA. I worked in HR; Bobby was in CAD/CAM. We were in completely different buildings. I was very new in my relationship with Yeshua & I was friends with a great bass player named Tom Doran who also worked at Prime. I shared my experiences with God with Tom pretty freely to say the least! One day Tom said to me: Mimi, you've GOT to meet this guy over in Building 10. He's a musician and a "Jesus-Freak" just like you!

So Bobby called my extension (or I called his I can't remember...) & we met for lunch at a little restaurant called "The Villa." Bobby was married at the time so there was nothing romantic in our meeting BUT GOD had Bobby "read my mail" that day. (Many people I know had similar experiences with him). The things he said to me that day opened up a part of my heart that had been very damaged by my own bad choices & what others had done to me. Because of my past,I believed, TRULY, that I did not deserve to have a husband & children. But the day I met Bobby, who knew nothing about me, he spoke into that part of my life & God took over doing the rest.

We became friends & stayed in touch until he & his ex-wife moved to Texas. I didn't have contact with him again until May of 1994 after he had been through a divorce he did not want. BUT GOD had other plans for him...for me...which neither of us could have guessed.

He returned to CT & while there he tracked me down through one of my best friends. I was in Ohio. We talked over the phone for 6 MONTHS! and during that time, God built our friendship into a romance which led to Bobby coming to Ohio..December 1994 & asking me to marry him.

No marriage is perfect; ours certainly wasn't. But we worked hard at it & loved each other intensely, fought passionately & felt deeply about the things that mattered most to both of us: God, our children & extended family, friends, music, living with integrity, kindness & generosity. Bobby was one of the gentlest most generous men I've ever known. Sometimes I think this world was not a kind enough place to be able to keep him here...I hope this blesses someone today....with tears & great love, Mimi