Shabbat shalom from home. I was thinking about how with the passing of my husband that another death has occurred: the death of my relationship with God. Are you freaking out? Don't. It is the end of the relationship I had with God before Bobby died. I wouldn't say that I ever had a "Pollyanna" relationship with God expecting to be tiptoeing through the tulips in BLISS all my days, though since I went from a drug-addicted atheist to a very intensely personal & real relationship with my Creator, I had certain expectations of Him. My life has not been easy...not at all. I didn't expect it to be. I've always said that being a believer is the toughest job you'll ever love (like the Marines Holly :). But in my child-like heart, I never imagined anything as painful as losing Bobby being allowed by my Abba. And here it it. Here we are, another bittersweet Shabbes, without his beautiful physical mocha presence. His work-weary smile, harmonizing with me & the kids to sing the blessings & do a "group-hug" & lay his big warm hands on his children's heads (as well as the neighbors' kids if they were there that night & whoever else was joining us for dinner.) Then we usually dug into some wonderful delicacy that he made :)
All of this has brought the death to my relationship with Yeshua, as it was, because of this completely unexpected, unanticipated event in our lives. Why? So many whys? I hold God at arm's length these days yet my spirit clings to His. But He can handle it. He will woo me again. He came to me when I was in a hungover drunken stupor many years, heart hardened, callous & unbelieving & there, in that place, He melted me. I wait for Him to do it again...for the new. For myself. For my children. For tikkun olam. For eternity. With great love.....M.
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